Day Zero: Hearts

I close my eyes. I breathe out.

Darkness. My heart weighs heavily.

My brother is on my mind. Since his heart has stopped working, I feel every single beat of mine.

I sense memories of him pumping through the veil of time. The shards of my childhood fly through the membrane of the outer into my inner world. Every piece on its own seems blurry, but together they form a picture I have never seen before. I finally saw the full painting of my youth for the very first time. Every stroke of paint, every puzzle piece, every moment made me understand that my brother has always loved and protected me.

In our family, we don‘t say the words „I love you“. Our mouths can‘t form these three sounds in that order. I understand that the only way we can show affection is through our actions. My brother is a man of action. Every ball he threw my way playing catch, every school play he attended, every meal he cooked for us, for me. I feel blessed, I feel loved, I feel grateful.

I breathe in.

I am glad that the beat of his heart has found its way back into this realm. Now, I finally understand him and I can show my love for him through my own actions.

I open my eyes again.

The warm lights of the street hit me. I am back to reality. I walk. I walk further and further away from The Girl with the Warm Smile.

We just spent the last couple hours together handing out funny ears to strangers while exploring each other's stories of the past. I spoke. In fact, I spoke a lot. Whenever she found a way to express herself, I felt intrigued by every tone passing her lips. The way she crocheted every single word into a silky sentence filled me with more wonder, more curiosity, more desire to explore her essence. She put me in an unknown state I haven‘t experienced before. I was attached to every single word, yet my mind would wander and project a picture of her riding a horse through the vast desert, colibris flying next to her.

Her arms moved, she ever so slightly adjusted her posture.

Though they were subtle, her movements radiated an aura of grace. There was an elegance that felt truly authentic, a joy exuding out of her pores that made one feel alive. I couldn‘t explain why exactly but The Girl with the Warm Smile left me mesmerized. She was unlike many people I have encountered on my path.

In her presence my brain felt scattered, my thoughts were incoherent. I didn‘t even really know how to verbalize my thoughts, feelings and experiences to her but somehow I enjoyed the time nevertheless.

I arrived at home.

My day was packed, an emotional yo-yo springing up and down.

My soul feels light. So light that it almost escapes my flesh. As if it was trying to find another realm. My body on the other hand feels plumb and heavy. A strange imbalance that I knew wouldn‘t allow me to find my place in this world. I made a decision. I want to become a starving man for some time. I am certain that I need to starve my body for a while so that my soul can be nourished once again.